6 years

Something about Adele, dreams & vulnerability

It was 2015 and I was 13 years old lip-syncing (very passionately) to Hello by Adele, not even missing the ad libs. Fast (slow and agonizing) forward to 2021, it is 6:11 am, my mom is sleeping beside me and I am 19 years old. My spotify is acting up and glitching (like it always does whenever i play my favourite artists’ music), Adele released a song Easy On Me after 6 years today and I need to listen to it. 

I am not sure if you, my cherished readers, will be able to understand the depth of my relationship with Adele’s music but I will just dump it out here and hope for the best. Her records/albums are named after her age. 19, 21, 25, 30 (to be released). Every piece of my existence is dedicated lovingly to Adele’s music but the edifice and concept of age is something that I find myself struggling with a lot and her albums poke at those struggles. Therefore, I believe that the fact that she names her albums after her age, is actually quite brave and intimate more than one can see. 

Her song Hello was about herself and back then, I thought it was just a very sentimental breakup song. 

“It’s actually just from the other side of becoming an adult, making it out alive from your late teens, early twenties.” - Adele

They say that time's supposed to heal you, but I ain't done much healing

It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry

I hope that you're well. Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

Hello (2015)

This part of Hello hits (not very gently) me everytime is where she talks about time and escaping the town where your ‘’home’’ belonged. The ‘you’ here is Adele herself. Her part self that she neglected, hurt and abandoned. Her new song Easy On Me talks about the same thing but in a different tone; how she talked to herself in Hello when she was 25 is different from how she talks to her past self now that she has crossed 30. 

Go easy on me. I was still a child/ Didn't get the chance to feel the world around me.

Easy on me (2021)

Adele’s music is basically like my sole compass and measuring scale without numbers that collect dust in the closet of my room and I take it out only when Adele releases music which is usually in 5 or 6 years. Now I am going to show some basic decency and not talk about the details of how these 6 years went by listening to 25 while waiting for Adele to come back and take out that compass and measuring scale out of my closet. 

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It has been over a month since I had written last month’s newsletter, I just could not bring myself to do it and I did not want to do it half-heartedly. I did not want to put that negativity of mine onto this newsletter, then to you. So I waited for the storm to pass. The storm did not pass but I got used to it even though just a little bit. Afterall, life goes on and so do you. On september 13, something bad happened. Not anything major but the effect it had on me was quite disturbing and weird. So, just some reminders for you from silly me:

1. Do not bottle things up because apparently that bottle is made up of glass and it shatters at the most random moments. 

2. Treat yourself like how you would treat your favourite author/musician/artist. Be tender with yourself no matter what. 

3. Quit being ‘gen z cool’ for a second and take microwave temperatures very seriously. 

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Sunny (2011)

One of my dear friends recommended this movie several months ago but I forgot to watch it. As usual. 

For the longest time, I had a hard time defining dreams. Ever since childhood, we are introduced with the two adjectives that govern us for the rest of our lives. Those adjectives are ‘big’ and ‘small’; these adjectives are then attached with the word ‘dream’ that limits a lot of things for us in life. Sometimes, one of those things is happiness. I do not know if you ever had to hear this while growing up or even now but I had to hear this sentence a lot : “Dream big, the ones you have are so small and unsatisfactory.”

Simple sentences like these do a lot of damage to people and how they once wished to live their lives that gets shattered with a couple of adjectives. I hope no one experiences that.

However, you are the one who gets to give a definition to your dreams. For me, I have a lot of small dreams like stars. Only they are not shining like stars because I need to work on them for them to shine like stars. Right now, I am too exhausted to do that but I am sure one day I will be able to. We all, the ones who are reading this now and I, will be able to make our small dreams shine like stars.

A dream is not a profession. A dream is like a long journey with emotions and meaning at every step. I want to tell you that all your dreams are valid and important. All my friends and acquaintances have such beautiful dreams. One of them wants to buy a lovely green couch so she is studying hard to get a job. One of them wants to have a small, beautiful kitchen where they can read and cook. One of them wants to empower and help other people and wants to be in civil services. Two of them want to open a small, warm bakery. One of them wants to go stargazing with her best friend before she dies. One of them wants to write and publish a novel. One of them just wants to earn and afford things for themselves. For now, one of my many dreams is to meet my best friend on monday and talk about a lot of things. Things that hurt us, things that make us happy, things that make us human. 

Now, can you categorize these dreams into the categories of ‘big’ and ‘small’? I cannot. I believe that dreams are made of a lot of emotions. Sometimes, those emotions are tender and sometimes intense and born out of harsh conditions. Despite all of it, they are dreams. Your dreams. Just like a mother has something to protect. You have your dreams to protect. I hope you cherish them for a long time. 

I believe nobody talks about dreams better than bangtan. So here is their song about dreams that I find meaning and comfort in :

We dream through others like debt. 

If future is the only dream, then what’s the thing that I dreamed last night in bed?

It’s okay to have different names to your dream

But the real world is different from the promise

We have to run, we have to step on the accelerator

When you are so out of breath, it’s okay to pause. 

Sometimes I’m scared to dream

To dream a dream, to grasp the dream,

and to breathe a breath, sometimes are too much for me

Saying “some are living like this, some are living like that”,

the world pours curses on me

The world has no right to curse at me

It never has even taught me how to dream

- Paradise by BTS

This song became close to me the moment I listened to it back in 2018. My therapist played it for me during our session last week and I think that became a very sensitive (in a good way) moment of my life. 

There is this nursery rhyme called ‘sick song’ that my baby cousin was listening to while I was feeding her mashed bananas. The lyrics went like, ‘Rest, little baby/ I’ll care for you/ You will get well soon/ I’ll make sure you do.’ and I really kind of started tearing up, it was so damn emotional. Though, I really laugh about it now. I know this is something so embarrassing to share but this newsletter is my safe space, I hope it is for you too. Even if only a little bit. And I also believe that vulnerability transforms into strength when it is shared. 

A song for you from my favourite person ever.

Remember to treat yourself tenderly. I would love to hear from you. As always.

May your trials end in full bloom. 

Until next time. Very soon. 

Ayusshi