My brother started his grade 11 in the beginning of last month. I cannot help but think how I had felt when I attended grade 11 exactly five years ago. I had drifted apart from so many friends back then and made two new ones who chose to stay with me till now. I didn't like World History back then because the way of teaching never stimulated inquisitiveness in my mind. Now that I am studying it once again after five years, it feels nice to learn— something that I never liked back in school as I was always hung up on getting good scores. Shortly after that I realised that scores come with a very short expiration date. One thing that truly makes me laugh is how the me of grade 11 was more emotionally stable than the me of today. I was extremely obedient (which I consider to be one of my biggest mistakes in life that limited so many things for me) I had a routine made by someone else which I diligently used to follow. I was truly a dream child of typical Asian parents back then. I think the only thing that saved me from that damaging trap of praises was choosing to study liberal arts. It actually gave me the space to ponder over things like never before.
I spend a lot of time in anger, thinking of something called ‘freedom’ as my only open window that will enable me to breathe sweetly for the first time whenever that happens. I think a lot about the essence of "freedom", sometimes just the simple meaning of it and how it heavily differs for everyone. After spending 20 years with myself, I have come to the conclusion that I am an extremely non-functional human if I can’t be free. I can’t even love people if I don't feel free from a lot of things that surround me. Freedom surely doesn't cancel out the hard times in your life, they will be there but freedom makes it less suffocating by opening the dusty window of your heart. I pondered over how ugly some things got last year and regardless of that I was still able to write these newsletters, so I suddenly thought that maybe freedom is not everything. However, after a couple of incidents that had occurred, I realised that I was able to write during those times not because I love writing but because it was the only place I felt (feel) free. Even though my newsletters are not streamlined with specific monthly themes, they always speak of a hearty attempt at freeing myself at the core of them. I hope you feel that while you read these.
A year ago I was so naive that I thought merely being able to read the books I love, being able to cook and bake what I love made me feel free. I am glad I am out of that comforting loop. If I were to talk about the definition of freedom, I still wouldn't be able to. I know what is not freedom but I don't know what freedom actually is. For me, it's not just living on your own and doing things you want without having to seek anyone's permission. It is about something else, more than that. It is not a very well known fact which is why I feel that it should be reiterated over and over again that being a good person does not come naturally. It takes so much but it's the only reason why we're put on this earth. To be good to others. To be good to ourselves. I, therefore, really do believe that people who are good people are relatively more free than I have ever felt in my entire life till now. I feel that it is very difficult to go towards freedom when I don't know what it's all about but I know I want it. So maybe trying to be good is a great way to start. It is the only element that pushes me to wake up each morning. The prospect of being able to feel truly free one day. The weight gone.
My father believes that I am a very radical person. He does not say this as a compliment but as a criticism. I do understand why he thinks so but I also do understand that trying to be radically loving and tender is the only way that I can carry on in a space where I don't feel free. I think that in a world like the current one, choosing to be kind is a radical choice. In a world where betrayal exists everywhere, choosing to be tender is a radical choice. In a world such as this where hatred runs deep, choosing to be loving is a radical choice. These radical choices feel like a necessary act of rebellion.
'Love' is a very abstract concept and in the last three years, I have come to understand its significance to a certain level. As a child, I used feel so far away from something called 'love'. As a young person, I have realised that if it wouldn't exist, so much will break apart. And as a learning individual, I have many complaints too.
(A Very Soft Disclaimer: This goes without saying but all my thoughts written here have always been subjective. So even if you do not agree with whatever I am about to express, please know that I respect your personal opinions & beliefs and hold no evil intentions of changing them.)
One of my biggest complaints is how 'love' has always been primarily associated with a romantic relationship since a very long time. If people hear me saying "I am in love!!!" they would automatically assume that I am in love with a person romantically and not in love with reading, or taking a walk or having a conversation with my friends. It irks me as much as it baffles me how the phrase "the love of my life" was never primarily made for the close friends who stayed with you for years but usually for one person you develop romantic feelings in a short period of time.
I have been seeing the portrayal of romantic relationships in a variety of ways in media and also around me for as long as I can remember. I have repeatedly noticed how the feeling of being absolutely tied and associated makes people—who pursue these relationships—feel euphoric. I wonder why it makes me feel so suffocated just witnessing all this from a distance. My acquaintances often tell me that I will get it when I get into a romantic relationship; they say I will understand how beautiful it feels to be tied together to someone. And I think that's one of the reasons why I have such an aversion to those relationships. It makes me feel that I am at fault that I cannot ever choose to compromise my personal space for physical intimacy that romantic relationships offer. I haven't come across even one single person who feels the same as me about this aspect of life. So, I feel like I am being ignorantly dismissive of everyone's experiences meanwhile I am just expressing my views. This is not written to imply that I am superior but it's just my attempt to understand these relationships. Just like every oth human relationship of people's daily lives.
I do not understand why the definition of love is so limited in the world where majority of the people give the highest degree of significance to romantic relationships and the association of the word 'forever' with them. I once asked one of my acquaintances once why romantic relationships come with so many restrictions? Like a small act such as not being ‘allowed’ to hold hands with other person than your romantic partner because that might jeopardize the relationship? I asked doesn't that makes them feel so restricted? I asked them if we are "supposed" to "love" just one person, one at a time in this life?
I must mention my strong dislike for these corny sentences like "self love is also love"; "caring your friends and plants to bits is also love". I mean ofcourse it is. It has always been but why there is a need to add the additional "also" while encouraging a love that is not a romantic one. It strongly implies that it's just an ‘extra’ element of life and does not hold that much of significance. It would be great if people could understand that not committing to romantic relationships should not be seen as something "different" "rebellious" "isolated" "anti-love" because that directly implies that being on your own is not something "safe" in the "long run".
My views about romantic relationships might easily make you conclude that I am a person who likes to hate and criticise everything. But I think I am trying my best to explore and sort out my thoughts within this space while trying not to offend anyone who strongly disagrees with me.
However, I do feel the need to mention that I do not understand every type of relationship in depth which is why these views are completely subjective but it's something that I stand by firmly because they are based on my long observations. I also think that the feeling of jealousy that is romanticised so much in romance genre media is actually one of the most damaging elements in actual life but then this newsletter might turn into a novella which is why I will stop here. In conclusion, these views are not based on some badly written Netflix series that I binge watched or some badly written young adult fiction that I speed read, these views are the part of the hundreds of relationships that I have made observations of ever since I started making sense of human relationships as a kid so I hope you can respect them and give them some thought, if not agree.
I watched this kdrama called ‘My Mister’ last month. It is so sad but it’s so important. It portrays the meaninglessness of life exceptioally well; how empty it is when we do not have anything that we love but only the burden of responsibilities to carry. I was wondering how everything that’s connected with hope that nudges people each morning out of thier beds and comfort zones is inherently driven by love. However, life is still meaningless. It is hollow and depressing; what makes it liveable is the meaning we put into it. The meaning that our lovers put into it. The meaning that the things we cherish put into it. Waiting for every friday to lisen to the new album of the musician that I love. Going to the same burger outlet and getting the same burger every saturday becasue I love it. Bringing up the same anecdote that I love each time I meet my friends because I know it makes them laugh even after all these years. If I would not have anything to love, if I would have nothing to look forward to, my life will render meaningless for as long as I live. That is why I am learning not to hide my sheer excitement at seeing the clouds. I am learning not to hide my love for the musicians that I love. If I won’t have anything to love, I won’t have anything to live for. I hope to never become a person who would say, “I hate my life“. I will hate my circumstances as the time rolls by but I hope I never reach at a point where I am reduced to hating this life that I have been given.
When I was 8, I used to bleed and bruise my knees a lot while playing with other kids. Coming home with red knees, my mom never scolded me for getting those bruises. I remember how utterly confused I used to feel because asian parents tend to scold their kids for getting hurt. Perhaps because it hurts them too and they have no other way to express that hurt other than yelling. Instead, my mother used to apply ointment over those bruises but it used to itch and sting a lot. When I complained about that to my mom, she would say "Well, that actually means the bruise is healing". And I never questioned her, I still remember how relieved I would feel upon hearing that and would go back to watching cartoons on the tv. I wonder why I forgot all that as I grew up gradually during all these years. I don't feel calm anymore. I hope I can lean on my mother's words from time to time to remind myself that even if my trials hurt and ache, perhaps the bruise is healing.
A Sidenote of Gratitude:
July. Last year. I started writing these newsletters. It's been a year. Thankyou for reading them for an entire year till now. You don't know how precious is that to someone who hopes to create something in the form of writing. But more than that, I hope my newsletters brought you peace and hope because we all go through tough things in life and sticking together helps a bit. Even if it was for a few minutes, I hope it made you feel less lonely. Thankyou.
3 things before I close this month’s newsletter:
I. My favourite poem about love by Mary Oliver from Red Bird (Beacon Press, 2008):
"I have been in love more times than one, thank the Lord. Sometimes it was lasting whether active or not. Sometimes it was all but ephemeral, maybe only an afternoon, but not less real for that. They stay in my mind, these beautiful people, or anyway beautiful people to me, of which there are so many. You, and you, and you, whom I had the fortune to meet, or maybe missed. Love, love, love, it was the core of my life, from which, of course, comes the word for the heart. And, oh, have I mentioned that some of them were men and some were women and some—now carry my revelation with you— were trees. Or places. Or music flying above the names of their makers. Or clouds, or the sun which was the first, and the best, the most loyal for certain, who looked so faithfully into my eyes, every morning. So I imagine such love of the world—its fervency, its shining, its innocence and hunger to give of itself—I imagine this is how it began."
II. Weverse Article ‘A guide to songs produced by Suga‘ (09 December 2021):
“Though we never know where this ever-changing life will take us, Suga shows us that we can always expect to arrive somewhere meaningful and grow as people if we try our best every moment without ever letting go of our desire to love. “
III. A song for you:
Until next time
Ayusshi
oh, to read this again
I love you.