Third Happy Moment

A rainy evening, a new friend, a song and absurd number of feelings flooding my heart

To the people who are reading this right now,    

I am finally rolling out my first newsletter after almost crying yesterday over the usual ‘what if it’s not good enough’ thing but my very dear friend told me to just not think too much and send it. I know she is reading this right now so; I want to thank her for always being so real. So, here it is, here I am and here you are.

Would you believe me if I told you that I showered in the rain for the first time ever at the age of 19? You probably would not which is absolutely understandable, if you ask me. It happened the day after I announced that I will be starting this newsletter.

When I stood in the balcony and let the raindrops stroke my face, my mom went inside and closed the door in order to give me some space to connect with the ‘outside’. And I cannot find words to describe how close I felt to her in that very moment and oh how so liberating! Loving, sometimes, means giving space to each other when needed, looking on from a distance and wishing the person you love heals soon and my mom proves it a lot of times.

People were watching as I was laughing while having an imaginary conversation with the ‘outside’, and I know how stupid I must have looked to them but I also know that at least one person amongst those people must be smiling at me, cheering me on. Am I talking like a Disney princess? Well, pardon me then, I am extremely sentimental nowadays.

I also made a cute friend that day. We did not speak at all but I know we will remember each other for a long time because I’m sure he, an almost 8-year-old boy who was collecting rainwater in a pink container saw me, an almost 20-year-old young woman doing the same thing except my container was white in colour, definitely cannot forget me. Honestly, I don’t know whether to laugh or be super embarrassed about it. But the way our eyes met and he laughed so hard, the way he waved at me by swinging his container filled with rainwater towards me, I am sure we are friends now and my heart is all warm thinking about it. I hope he is doing what he loves right now and not being forced to study if he does not want to, I hope he can collect all the rainbows and rainwaters. I really hope so.

As much as moments like these make my heart swell with love for people and the universe, which I believe, is partly responsible in making strangers look into each other’s eyes even when they do not know each other, it is also a stark reminder of how many moments you and I have missed in the flowing curtains of the last two years. The stinging question of “what could have been?” persists.

However, as I sit here under the fan of our living room, drying my hair and writing this, I feel a bit happy. It is the third time I have been this happy since this year started and I am feeling so much closer to the sky because the sky also witnessed those three happy moments with me. Perhaps she knew I needed to feel this third happy moment before I lose it and sleep on the floor just to piss off people in my raging glory of passive aggressiveness.

Also, pardon my repetitive love declarations towards the skies but one of my favourite musicians, Kim Namjoon, once said that “Sky gives us reason to live” and every inch of my existence believes in that.

Did you also hear the rain knocking at your window? Did you go out and greet her? I just want to say that the next time when it rains, I hope that the raindrops knocking at your window remind you of that old childhood friend of yours with whom you used to play till the sun hid beneath the curtains of the skyline and your mom called you for dinner and how all used to feel so warm and safe.

All the while writing this letter, I was humming this Thai song that has been residing in the power house of each cell in my body for the past few weeks. This song makes me want to run in the streets in the middle of the night while crying or maybe just sit in the corner and create fake scenarios in my head. Oh, the beauty of languages!

My letter will find you once again next week or month or whenever my heart would not be able to contain all that intensity of emotions like an angsty teenager. Perhaps then, I will write to you once again. Meanwhile, I will be waiting for you to write to me and tell me something. Anything.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you felt my love. Please straighten your back and drink water if you haven’t.

Until next time,

Ayusshi