Uhgood (‘21)

Curation obsession, several bridges to cross and many other things

Ever since the pandemic began, I picked up this weird habit of documenting and categorizing every piece of media and art that I consumed. This is the reason why I have have 2 journals for this year; 10s of folders on a separate drive of an email address that only my penpals know; multiple lists of multiple absurd things on my notes app; a separate diary where I record the words that I read and how they touched me; a cardboard box taped and packed away with all the tiny little things that people once associated with me. There are probably fifty more things to talk about when it comes to my curation obsession but I think it’s better to switch the topic before I creep everyone out. Collecting and holding onto everything is not just a hobby; it has become my personality trait that proves to be quite damaging for me sometimes. However, documenting and categorizing trivial elements of my life have made a lot of things clear for me; whatever happy memories and feelings that I experience, I have the urge to record them in my journals so that I can come back to it months later and smile thinking, hey look, that made you smile even though you were in a hellhole of a circumstance. Maybe you can overcome your hurdles again with baby steps. I have a deep fear of forgetting memories because they make me who I am on some days. 

This year marked the time for me when I have been a lot aware of myself and I realized how it was both destructive and beneficial for me. There’s not any specific adjective that I can use to describe 2021 but it has been a bad year where I still got to experience tiny little things that became very meaningful to me. Looking back, I did not ‘achieve’ anything but I gained a lot of things. All the exhausting days that I experienced this year taught me the difference between achieving something and gaining something. I got closer to myself more than I had ever been. I found my love for people and writing. I discovered the power of words more than anything. I also saw how much people can love and how much that makes this world so tender amidst the cold. I lost touch with myself earlier this year and hated myself for various things. I found love for myself later this year because I had to protect myself. I let go of a lot of things but I am still learning to love without any reservations. I am teaching myself how loving something else will not diminish my love for the previous thing that I love deeply. I am trying to be less selfish and I am trying to be more brave. 

However, above all, I hope to become a functional human being next year. Someone who does not cry while placing orders for food; whose hands won’t shake while gripping the handlebars again after quitting driving for a whole year due to anxiety; who learns to believe in herself every single day even if it’s the worst freaking day that she’s having; who learns to let go without looking back. In conclusion, I hope to become Fearless (Taylor’s Version). I know that fears are an inevitable part of life and it takes a lot to make them go away but for once, I want to experience how it feels to be someone who puts herself out there; how it feels to wake up to a morning without feeling that constant crippling anxiety and how it feels to not have a torn soul. What I am trying to convey at the moment is perfectly said by Namjoon in his song Uhgood,

Being off is such a painful thing. It is something that you don’t know unless you experience it. But my ideal and reality—they are too far apart. But I still want to cross that bridge and reach me. The real me. 

At the beginning of this year, I made some goals. Being an ace at baking, playing ukulele everyday and reading 52 books were some of them. I baked the same almond cookies for only 5 times in the entire year, played the ukulele for a only month, read only 26 books, fell into the reading slump and have not been able to read even one book for the past 3 months. But the point is, I tried, I would have been angry and disappointed in myself if I did not. Just like how I am disappointed in myself that I did not try to get over my fear of driving. I wish to become someone who does not lie in bed contemplating every little thing and misses opportunities and chances. Dear readers, really, just do it. Say whatever you have been holding in, order a different flavour of pizza, read that book collecting dust on your shelf, watch that movie with 2 star rating, upload that picture, show up for that meeting or exam. As Joan Didion said,

Throw yourself out into the convulsions of the world. I'm not telling you to make the world better, because I don't believe progress is necessarily part of the package. I'm telling you to live in it.

So it’s okay if you could not do everything that you had decided to do. What’s important is that you stepped out of your comfort zone and tried. You tried. Next time, you will succeed in it. Don’t be too harsh on yourself, the world is already harsh on young people. And it’s okay if what you loved in the past does not hold your interest anymore, it’s okay to change but just don’t give up on yourself. Min Yoongi for the January issue of GQ Korea says, 

You shouldn’t have to struggle so much in order to live your life. It’s heartbreaking to see people being pushed to pursue one path when there are 7.8 billion people in the world, living out 7.8 billion different lives. People in their 60s and 70s can dream too, of course, but I often think that the world is especially cruel to the young. It’s often suggested that they’ve failed if they don’t start out on a particular path or continue along as expected. But as you live, you realize life doesn’t work that way. It would be good if children and youth didn’t blame themselves too much, because it’s not their fault. And don’t compare yourself to other people either. There is absolutely no need for you to compare the size of your dream to someone else’s dream. You’d think I live with super grandiose dreams, but I’m not like that at all. I don’t have a dream right now either. Does that make me miserable? No, it doesn’t. Rather, I’m at peace. I’m sure another dream will come to me. My dream could be to become better at basketball, for example. I believe it’s a good, worthwhile life to achieve dreams like this, one by one. Dreams keep changing, don’t they? Who I was six months ago is so different from who I am now, and I’ll be different again in six months’ time. Wouldn’t our thoughts change as well? That’s why I don’t like the phrase “original resolve”. It feels like a phrase used by adults to keep people in line. We need to accept that people change. I trust we can adapt to change and carry on.

On Christmas I had such horrible period cramps that I could not get out of bed so I watched a Japanese movie We Couldn’t Become Adults. I picked up a dialogue from the movie that describes how I feel when at the end of every newsletter, I recommend music to everyone who takes their precious time to read my newsletters. 

It’s really rough. It really is. It’s actually a little depressing. But at times like this, there’s a song I’d like to play for you. However, you are feeling now, I’d like you to feel positive about yourself. But if you are not feeling it now, I’m sure the kindness in this song will be like a salve to lots of people when you look back on it later. It’s for those people that I want to play this song.

So here’s the song that I would like you to listen to without skipping. I have faith in the fact that this song will definitely speak to you and all the hurt that you have been carrying for so long. 

You might have had a hard time this year as well. Things didn't work out the way you wanted them to. You must have cried yourself to sleep on many nights. You must have been hurt a lot. You might have felt like a loser, maybe a failure. And now that you are reading this, you are important to me so let me tell you that you did okay. These sufferings that you had made you tender hearted, they helped you in being a good person that is needed so much now. You will be able to pull through next year; whatever you want for yourself. Just remember not to lose faith in yourself. Ever. I have realized that the moment you lose faith in yourself, things fall apart like a deck of cards. Take a deep breath. It’s okay. 

If I had to use two terms to describe the essence of this year that I barely lived and mostly survived, they would be : people and words. I wanted you all to know that I am extremely thankful for your time that you put into reading my silly little babbling in the form of these silly little newsletters. I don’t know where life will take me and where I will take it, but one thing is sure that I love writing to and for you all. As much as I hate to admit it, I cannot take away your pain even though I wish I could. However, if reading these newsletters makes you feel even 0.00001% at ease, that means a lot to me. Often, people who apparently raised me say that I think ‘too small’ but I love everything small because the world has become too big and too cold; this small space that has become so warm because of you and I who share this place in the corner of the internet together. It’s like a little house in the woods where we talk about things that truly matter to us, hurt us, or make us happy. Thankyou for being here. Here’s a song for you. 

I hope we all make it to that side of the life where the life grows around our pain so that it does not hurt us anymore. Thankyou for reading.

Picture I took on 23-12-21 <3

Until next time; love,

Ayusshi