We nearly drowned for such a silly thing

But I can still see the sky

I am writing this as a person who has a tattoo now. (I really wanted to write this sentence somewhere) Welcome to my newsletter edited in a haste because my brain wouldn't stop pushing me to the very last day of 2022. 

This year was by far, the most emotionally taxing for me. I am not too bitter about it, rather thankful that I was able to push my personal boundaries in order to understand and analyse why I feel the way I feel. It was an unpleasant experience, I still get shaken from time to time. I have been so restless the entire year. Nothing really gave me comfort not even the things that used to make me smile once, on the hardest days of my life. However, I still leave some space to tell myself that I did not read that many books this year, perhaps that's why the restlessness. Apart from that, I think just like I am sick of myself sometimes, I am sick of the walls too, all the time. Every wall of every building. Moreover, I was brave enough to admit to myself that I actually do not love myself like how my brain used to trick me into believing. It's better now. I can work upon myself from scratch without expecting anything now.

Slowly, I would do it. Afterall, no matter how much I hate some parts of me, I still push and nag myself to keep working on myself. I think that's something very crucial to me. Luckily, that doesn't discourage me because sky is the only thing left in my life that still has the power to reassure me. I feel grounded only when I stop, breathe and look at the sky for a few seconds. It makes me feel like a person again. I don't understand why I don't feel comforted by anyone anymore. It is not a very good feeling. I hope it goes away after some time. Perhaps it is because I am growing up so my personal wavelengths are constantly changing. 

I have observed that my inquisitiveness to interpret things in my own way turned into a habit of relentless nitpicking. I am learning to listen to myself and not jump to conclusions. I haven't been a very patient person but I am now trying to be because being in a haste all the time has scrapped my knees. I do not want that anymore. I want my knees to heal even if it takes time. 

This year too, I kept a journal and recorded my "good" moments. Today, I sat down and counted them. Starting from january. 60 times this year, I felt an intense emotion in those moments. Happiness. Relief. Joy. Sadness. This year was perhaps the heaviest till now. And I am sure more is to come but I still had 60 moments that pulled me by my arm each morning and enabled me to continue living for one more day. Just to see what more I can feel. Numbers sure are reassuring sometimes. 

I cried so much on train while listening to some of these songs. I list them here in case you're curious. Perhaps it is weird how cathartic it feels to cry when you're surrounded by strangers on their way to work. Usually no one looks but there's always one such person who always looks at this young woman crying her eyes out listening to music. Surprisingly, it always makes me feel so thankful to exist in that moment. Here are those songs. 

Mirrored heart by FKA twigs 

If you ever forget that you love me by Isak Danieoson

For youth by BTS

Nobody sees me like you do by Japanese Breakfast 

Ab ke Sawan ghar aaja by Shubha Mudgal

In another life by Son Lux

Send my love to John by Rina Sawayama

No. 2 (with parkjiyoon) by RM

I have always been a very socially anxious person so I attempted to do a bunch of things in order to step out of my closed space that sometimes does not let me grow.

1. Got a piercing

2. Went to our favourite canteen (my friends and I love it a lot) and listened to Indigo there. The first listen is always unforgettable for everyone.

3. Went to the see Anupam Sud’s exhibition. The print that you can below made me cry my eyes out there in the gallery. (Yes, it was embarrassing ). It was a first that I cried so much looking at an artwork. I felt so relieved in that moment, that grief is indeed universal. For the first time ever in this entire year, I took a deep breathe. Of relief. Looking at this specific print made me feel like it's going to be okay. I am going to be okay. I am trying. I am not a terrible human being because I have been trying so hard all this year. I will be alright and I will be good for my people and myself. I will never get to experience that moment again and I am glad about it.

Silent Moment (1998), Etching and intaglio on archival paper.

Whenever I see a tall and lean boy with glasses (and an irritated expression) on trains or in restaurants, I feel this great rush of love for them because they remind me of my brother. I have never felt this way before. My friend told me it's because I have grown up but then I said that I actually dislike my brother, we fight a lot. My friend said, "So what? That's still love". I know it's all we hear in movies and read in books but hearing this from someone close really made me feel funny. I came back home and told my brother that I got reminded of him seeing a boy with glasses, he replied, "Ew, gross". Yeah, my friend was right. 

A couple of weeks ago, I went to my parents' empty childhood homes and it just hit me more than ever before how we are always leaving some place. We're always leaving something behind but we know that we will never get to live that again. In that moment, looking at all the mustard fields and goats around me, I felt this intense wave of sadness that I'd never be able to explain. It's so easy. So so easy to get sad. It's probably one of the easiest things the universe has given to me, us. There's so much fragility in human relationships even when the love is strong. I am not sure if I will ever be ‘adult’ enough to deal with all this hurt.

Sometimes I wonder about what if in another universe, I am different from what I am today, I am someone else. But then I realise that I am no one else right now to be someone else in another universe. Whenever I go to my favorite burger place, sit at the same seat, observe people or just do my work, it feels good to exist sometimes because I can see people holding onto their loved ones and talking their ears off. It’s because I can see a busy mother on a work call still unwrapping the burger for her child and how the child trusts her completely & unconditionally.

This is one of those moments that I am talking about. This was written in my journal.

24/10/22

today is deepawali and as i ride the subway, i see so many men with big gift boxes and talking over phone in loud voices. i see woman in their best shimmering clothes with with screaming kids. there seems to be a glint in all of their eyes and it moves me to tears. i don't know how painful their personal lives might be. but right now, on this train they look like they are looking forward to something. something good. today is chhoti deepawali so the burger joint i usually eat at is empty. only the employees are bustling around the counter as some 90s bollywood song plays in their kitchen. today is deepawali so maybe everyone else is home, or wanting to be home but i feel so content as i eat my burger alone. it fills me with inexplicable peace.

I got on the train this morning while it was still dark outside. Perhaps, I was getting sentimental listening to IU's Pieces but a sudden thought struck me How lucky I am? I never realised it until now, I put all my time into aching over the miserable parts of my personal life. So I want express my genuine gratitude for this life to the universe right now before I turn into a grumpy ungrateful adult and it's too late. I am not happy or satisfied but it feels like a massive disservice to my life when I don't feel thankful for the people this life has given me. My friends who get so excited and happy for my first tattoo. My friends who try to accept me even when they are not able to understand some of my opinions and choices. My mother who gets up early in the morning to cut fruit for me while nagging about cold winters of Delhi. My father who comes home from a tiring day at work but still makes sure that he sounds cheerful while asking about my day. My brother who offers to cook instant noodles for me to compensate for the candies he bought that I dislike. My friends who send me the voice recordings of the most ridiculous Bollywood songs that I ask them to sing for me late at night. The shopkeeper who smiles when I say thankyou. My friend who drops me off home as we sing taarak mehta ka ooltah chashmah’s theme song. My favourite musicians who make music and continue to become better people every single day. How can I have all of this all at once and still not realise that I am very fortunate? It doesn't make my entire life miserable just because some parts of it are ugly. It is still mine anyway, mine to keep or throw away as long as I fight, speak up and stand up for myself in those circumstances that require holding my ground unfazed. 

I want to stay here as a human being who can still look at the sky in search of a little reassurance. Even if, on some days, it is the hardest thing to be. Afterall, it is all that I'll take with me. It's not all great but life's life afterall. It's hard to feel positive when you've faced a series of disappointments. But I hope we still can hold onto ourselves and the things that still exist when everything goes. 

넌 그리 특별하지 않아

“Yeah, you’re not all that special”

이젠 이 말에 울지 않아I

I don’t cry at such words anymore

I hope you will visit this silly little corner of the internet next year, too. 

Until next time,

Ayusshi